I Ask And They Say No

The third no this week was not even a no. It was a noise.

You said something perfectly ordinary about going outside, and you got a sound from a room upstairs that meant no, and you stood at the bottom of the stairs for a second and then went and did something in the kitchen.

And you have not asked since. That was in March.

You could tell somebody about the asking and it would sound like nothing. Nobody shouted. There was no argument. Nobody in this house is in rebellion, and if a visitor came they would say what a nice family, and they would be right.

Here is the part that is difficult to say out loud.

You did not stop asking because you got tired. You stopped because of what was happening in your voice.

You could hear it. The asking had started to have an edge in it, a small tightness, and the tightness was making the refusals firmer, and you could see the whole thing turning into a thing about compliance rather than a thing about being outside for ten minutes.

So you stopped, and stopping was the right instinct, and it has left you with nothing to do.

That is what this article is for. Not to get them out of the door. To give you something to do that is not asking and is not giving up.

He shall gently lead those that are with young

There is a line in Isaiah about how God moves people who cannot move fast, and the mechanics of it are worth looking at closely.

He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young. (Isaiah 40:11, King James Version)

He shall feed his flock like a shepherd; he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young.

Gently lead. That is one specific technique out of several in the verse, and it is the one used on the ones who cannot be hurried.

You have a picture here of God adjusting his pace to the slowest in the group, and Isaiah 40:11 has never once described him driving anybody. The verse gives three different handlings in one sentence, and the Holy Spirit is the one who knows which of them a particular person needs today.

You have felt the difference between leading and driving from the inside, which is why you stopped in March.

Look at the three actions. Gathering the lambs with his arm. Carrying them. Gently leading the ones who are with young. Not one of them is a command, and not one of them is a negotiation either.

A shepherd who gently leads is not standing still. That is the piece everybody misses. Gentleness is not inactivity, and it is not waiting for the flock to feel like moving. The shepherd is going somewhere, at a pace the slow ones can manage, and the movement itself is what does the leading.

You are able to be in motion without pulling anybody, and Isaiah 40:11 has never once made gentleness the same thing as stopping. The Spirit of God is the one who moves a household at the pace of its slowest member, and the passage keeps the shepherd walking while he does it.

So the answer to a house that will not come is not a better invitation. It is a mother who is going somewhere.

The asking is not the mechanism

Here is the thing that will free you, and it took me a while to believe it myself.

The asking has never been what works. It has never once been what works, in any household, ever.

You have been carrying a job that was never yours, and getting a household outside has never once depended on the quality of the request. It is written that the shepherd gently leads those that are with young, and the Holy Spirit is the one who does the moving of people that no amount of asking accomplishes.

Think about the things your family actually does. Not one of them started because somebody asked well. They started because they were happening, repeatedly, in view, and joining in became easier than the alternative.

Asking creates a moment of decision, and a moment of decision is a moment where a fourteen year old gets to exercise the only real power she has in this house, which is the power to decline.

That is not defiance. That is a person of fourteen doing exactly what a person of fourteen is supposed to be doing, which is finding out where the edges of her own will are.

And every time you ask, you hand her another opportunity to find out. Which is fine, and healthy, and completely useless for getting anybody outside.

You were never given the task of persuading these children, and the written word has never once put that load on a mother's voice. The Spirit of God is the one who leads without driving, and Isaiah 40:11 has a shepherd walking rather than calling.

So we remove the moment of decision entirely.

Go and do it where they can see you

Here is the assignment, and it will feel like doing nothing for about two weeks.

Go and do the ten minutes yourself where they can see you, and say nothing about it.

You are able to move without issuing an invitation, and going on your own has never once been the same thing as going without them. It is written that he shall gently lead, and the Holy Spirit is the one who is present with a woman in her own back yard being watched from a window.

Where they can see you is the whole design, because the aim is still the two of you outside together and not you outside alone. Not the park two streets over. The back yard, the driveway, up and down the path, the front of the house. Somewhere that is visible from a kitchen window or a bedroom.

And say nothing. No announcement before, and this is the crucial half, no report after.

Do not come in and say it was lovely out there. Do not say the fresh air did me good. Every one of those sentences is an advertisement, and a fourteen year old can smell an advertisement through a closed door, and the moment she smells it the thing you are doing becomes the thing you want her to do, and she will not touch it.

You have permission to do something for ten minutes without it being a lesson, and doing it in front of them has never once been the same as doing it at them. Isaiah 40:11 has the shepherd moving at the pace of the slow ones, and the Spirit of God is the one who does the gathering that no invitation could do.

Three times this week. And when one of them appears at the door and comes out with you, which will take longer than you want, say nothing about that either. Hand them nothing. Make no remark. Just carry on.